His pick up line was, "What's up?" But really he had me at the backwards football hat, the twinkle in his eye and the cocky swagger. It didn't matter that his line was cheesy or that he had horrible late 90s frosted tip "guylights" under that cap (when was that ever a good choice). It was love at first sight, and my heart knew it.
It was the moment my mother had always told me would come. I remember sitting with her in my early teens as she gardened and asking her, but HOW will I know when my Mr. Right comes along? HOW?! She knowingly said, you'll just know. It will feel different. Your gut will let you know. Marriage is a calling and God has someone picked out just for you, but all in His time. She advised that she prayed for each of her children and their future spouses, and God had it handled. Sigh. Why do we always want to fast track things when we're in our teens?!
I was always a romantic dreamer. Plus, I always knew I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a writer. I often dreamed of my eventual husband and the life we would build. I had no idea the man God would send along would be a little less smoldering Troy Aikman and more of a funny, kind, loyal, gorgeous-eyed Jeff Saturday type, who despises country anything. But as always, God's plan is perfect and perfectly timed and so much better than mine.
Looking back at the college girl I was 20+ years ago and the woman I am today - wow, things have changed. I'm slightly less Pollyanna, a little more seasoned by living life on life's terms, but still a romantic at heart. I've got two precious children, a dog, a cat, I write for a living, I'm surrounded by great friends, and I adore the way Coach Man looks at me.
Many people talk about the 20 year itch. I'm grateful that I have no idea what they're talking about. Yes, marriage ebbs and flows, but I can honestly say I'm more in love with Coach Man now than I was the day we said I do. And just last year the man took me to a Garth Brooks concert! Now that's love and maybe a little bit of dying to self for the love of his wife too. Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about...
This month I have really pondered how it is we've gotten to this 20 year milestone. I know a few family and friends had their doubts. Some even voiced them. But really, how did we make it this far when so many other marriages don't? I think there's a few things that have made all the difference for us.
- We allow each other grace - for misunderstandings, flaws, idiosyncrasies, mistakes, our own selfish moments. We meet in the middle often, and we love one another unconditionally.
- We communicate even when it's hard. We don't try to manipulate or control each other. However, that wasn't always the case and caused us some hiccups over the years. We've learned it's not about changing your loved one or getting everything you want. It's about learning to listen, to have an open dialogue and to bend once in awhile.
- We forgive each other.
- We pray for each other and our little family of four. We prayerfully discern big decisions in our marriage.
- We do date nights as often as we can. Even simple ones. One of my favorite ones of recent was a trip to IKEA and then a stop for diet cokes and shared fries!
- We leave room for our individuality and things that make each of our hearts sing. We don't want to get to the moment when the kids move out and we don't know how to be a couple or individuals without them here. Yes, raising kids is all consuming, but they are better people by seeing us live life abundantly as individuals too.
- The word divorce isn't in our vocabulary. We don't threaten each other with it. We know it exists, but we have agreed we're in this for the long haul. We choose each other every single day. In our marriage prep classes long ago, our mentor couple said that to us - love and marriage is a choice, you have to choose your spouse every single day for it to work.
- We sacrifice for one another. At times, we die to self for the good of the other or our little family. I know "die to self" may sound dramatic but really the heart of it is just putting your own desires aside for the good of someone else. How special to do that for your spouse. It's like laying down your love (like a coat over a puddle) for the greater good of your marriage. It breathes something so special into a marriage and often the best growth, experiences and memories are wrapped up in the outcomes.
- Family is important to us, and we put a focus on it. Family dinners and game nights matter.
- We've surrounded ourselves with a community of couples that inspire us.
- We've learned how to have boundaries and give ourselves permission to do what's best for our little family even if it is disappointment for someone else. Over the years, we've gotten better at saying no when we should.
- Over the 20 years, we've not been afraid to pivot, reinvent or take a step back in order to grow as a couple or a family.
Wow!!!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful sweetie!
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