Do you ever feel like there is a monster inside of you? Maybe it's turmoil. Maybe it's a toxic inner voice that won't be quiet. Maybe it's anger. Maybe it's sadness. Maybe it's anxiety. Hey, it's spring, maybe it's the Mucinex mascot in there. Ha! I think each person's monster is different, and sometimes it's a whole troop of them in there.
This week I was pondering my monsters. The one that reminds me I lack perfection - that I've messed up and beats me up for every little non-perfect thing. The one that gets easily irritated when overtired, hot, stressed or hangry. The one that can be curt sometimes. The one that overeats to soothe. The one that is conflicted and second guesses. The one that worries too much.
I think the monsters that have been bothering me the most of late are the last two. The one that worries too much. The one that feels disheartened. The one that is conflicted. The one that feels confused.
Why are you sad, O my soul? Why have you become troubled...? - Psalm 42:5
I know exactly why I'm troubled. I can pinpoint it exactly - I'm constantly afraid of saying the wrong things to certain people in my life. Easier to pray about something when you know exactly what is troubling you, right? Not exactly. I want to fix it. I don't want to feel turmoil or conflicted. I want to snap my fingers and it all would be wonderful and perfect - as if I had the impressive powers of the Infinity Gauntlet like Thanos (yes a little Avengers in there for you) - but everyday life isn't like that.
I am feeling that God just wants me to sit still in all of this internal conflict. And I can't like it (as my little baby girl used to say when she was 3).
My heart and soul wants peace, and I want it right now (okay now a little Willy Wonka's Veruca Salt is coming out). How do I get there? Can I even get there?
I have been reflecting these last few weeks in how Jesus interacts with people in scripture. His words are careful and exact, pure love and a balm to the heart, they never tear down but also are always the truth. He speaks to the brokenness within people like no other.
I want that. I want all the words that come out of my mouth to be a balm to the heart. I want to be Christ's light to others, but am I? Always? Nope, I'm human.
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart... For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. - Luke 6:45
So how do I store up good in my heart to be a light and kick the "monsters" - the ones the cause me to speak words of worry, control, hurt, confusion and turmoil - to the curb?
This past week in the mass scripture reflections, John 6:63 was referenced. It speaks of words being full of Spirit and life. I think that right there is it. Spirit and life. Well, and a dose of patience on the side.
But how do I get there, to the Spirit and life part? I think we all have the tools to get there, just remembering to use them. Mine? Quiet prayer, scripture, mass, adoration, service, reading, writing in my journal and remembering to live intentionally (something I have to remind myself of daily). Continually seeking to grow in a deeper relationship with God, plus asking that my eyes be open to the abundance of grace in my life. Sometimes we're so fixated on the monsters and the things troubling our hearts, I think we might just be missing the grace.
My prayer this Faith Friday: Jesus, here are the questions and misgivings circling in my heart. Purify my heart. Come Holy Spirit. Let my words spoken to others be Spirit and life. Let me give of myself, speak what You desire and leave the rest. Open my eyes to your abundance of love and grace in my life. Amen.
Oh and monsters, you've overstayed your welcome. Time to check out.
This week I was pondering my monsters. The one that reminds me I lack perfection - that I've messed up and beats me up for every little non-perfect thing. The one that gets easily irritated when overtired, hot, stressed or hangry. The one that can be curt sometimes. The one that overeats to soothe. The one that is conflicted and second guesses. The one that worries too much.
I think the monsters that have been bothering me the most of late are the last two. The one that worries too much. The one that feels disheartened. The one that is conflicted. The one that feels confused.
Why are you sad, O my soul? Why have you become troubled...? - Psalm 42:5
I know exactly why I'm troubled. I can pinpoint it exactly - I'm constantly afraid of saying the wrong things to certain people in my life. Easier to pray about something when you know exactly what is troubling you, right? Not exactly. I want to fix it. I don't want to feel turmoil or conflicted. I want to snap my fingers and it all would be wonderful and perfect - as if I had the impressive powers of the Infinity Gauntlet like Thanos (yes a little Avengers in there for you) - but everyday life isn't like that.
I am feeling that God just wants me to sit still in all of this internal conflict. And I can't like it (as my little baby girl used to say when she was 3).
My heart and soul wants peace, and I want it right now (okay now a little Willy Wonka's Veruca Salt is coming out). How do I get there? Can I even get there?
I have been reflecting these last few weeks in how Jesus interacts with people in scripture. His words are careful and exact, pure love and a balm to the heart, they never tear down but also are always the truth. He speaks to the brokenness within people like no other.
I want that. I want all the words that come out of my mouth to be a balm to the heart. I want to be Christ's light to others, but am I? Always? Nope, I'm human.
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart... For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. - Luke 6:45
So how do I store up good in my heart to be a light and kick the "monsters" - the ones the cause me to speak words of worry, control, hurt, confusion and turmoil - to the curb?
This past week in the mass scripture reflections, John 6:63 was referenced. It speaks of words being full of Spirit and life. I think that right there is it. Spirit and life. Well, and a dose of patience on the side.
But how do I get there, to the Spirit and life part? I think we all have the tools to get there, just remembering to use them. Mine? Quiet prayer, scripture, mass, adoration, service, reading, writing in my journal and remembering to live intentionally (something I have to remind myself of daily). Continually seeking to grow in a deeper relationship with God, plus asking that my eyes be open to the abundance of grace in my life. Sometimes we're so fixated on the monsters and the things troubling our hearts, I think we might just be missing the grace.
My prayer this Faith Friday: Jesus, here are the questions and misgivings circling in my heart. Purify my heart. Come Holy Spirit. Let my words spoken to others be Spirit and life. Let me give of myself, speak what You desire and leave the rest. Open my eyes to your abundance of love and grace in my life. Amen.
Oh and monsters, you've overstayed your welcome. Time to check out.
- Jen
P.S. This post's image is a Lou original. Hope you enjoyed.
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