Faith Friday | Waves of Grief and Pennies

It never goes away entirely. Sometimes waves of grief slowly lap at the shoreline, and sometimes they seem to overtake you like a storm is a-brewin' at sea. This February has been one of those months for me. The waves are mammoth and angry.

I've been in a bit of a funk and melancholy. Coach Man and I had a fight about... get this - my birthday. Of all things. Who fights about that? It's a bit of a milestone birthday this year, and I'm not in the mood to party. Not because I'm in denial of the number of years, but because I so miss my mama, and I'd prefer for this February to pass by quietly. It's so not fair that she's not here for this specific year, and for all the other milestones that come and go.

She left us in 2013. Six years this month. Grief ebbs and flows, but it never leaves. And you never quite know what will trigger it. I will forever miss her. Yes, I smile at the legacy of love she's left behind, I weave pieces of her into my life and I march on taking care of all that is entrusted to me like the strong woman she taught me to be... but... that doesn't stop the ache for her.

For some reason, 40th birthdays were important to her. She started a tradition where each sibling planned a party for the sibling born right after them. There are 9 of us. I'm a sneaky brat. I altered the tradition. I knew I didn't want a party in any shape or form quite awhile back, and I had that honest conversation with my sisters. I can hear all eight of my siblings saying, "Yep, she's always got to be the special one." Ha! To be exact, I'm the favorite. Isn't the youngest always?

So what's with the pennies? Glad you asked.

Long ago my Mom told me a story about her, pennies and her faith. She often found them in odd places as she dealt with some very hard things in her life. It was her own personal little message from above that her prayers were being heard and God had her back. I know you may find that silly and even absurd, but it was very real for her. She found great joy in her found pennies.

A bit after she passed, the pennies started finding me. They usually arrive when I need them the most and in the strangest of places. Once in the middle of our bed right under my back one morning. In the middle of doorsteps. Neatly a top freshly fallen snow. On the floor in the adoration chapel right where I happen to sit. The two pennies my sister and I found in a very odd place when we vacationed together in FL a couple of years ago are my favorite. It was like she knew we were together, and she was smiling down on us.

Do loved ones send signs from heaven? Can it come in the form of pennies? Beats me, but I'll take it, even though I'd really give anything for one more hug, one more conversation. I'd even take a dream of her.

So the point, peeps? Life is short. Treat your mama kind. Call her. Hug her. Hang with her. Even if she's pissed you off. Even if she's in your business way too much. Even if she annoys the crap out of you. Even if she's not been the best mama in your eyes. There are peeps out there just like me that would slap you for being a sh** to your mama, because we'd give anything to talk to ours.

Until I see her again some day, cheers to the pennies.

Now go call your mama, peeps.

-Jen